The relentlessly kinetic movie star refused a stunt double for his final transition into the great beyond.
LOS ANGELES — Tom Cruise, 62, the relentlessly kinetic movie star who anchored four decades of American cinema, died Tuesday after sprinting full speed, arms pumping at a precise 90-degree angle, directly into the blinding white light of the afterlife.
Known for performing his own stunts, Cruise reportedly bypassed the gentle beckoning of his deceased relatives, opting instead to accelerate past his ancestors and shatter the threshold of mortality without a safety harness.
He absolutely refused to let a stunt double cross over into the great beyond for him. He just locked his jaw, found his mark, and hurled himself through the astral plane.
Cruise is survived by three children, an international cinematic apparatus, and a pristine 1997 Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle that has never known the touch of a brake pad. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that mourners run away from an exploding helicopter in slow motion.