A local golden retriever mix was reportedly granted a massive, three-inch rind of premium Parmigiano-Reggiano on Tuesday evening despite having contributed nothing of value to the household. The unprecedented culinary windfall was authorized solely because the animal happened to be standing quietly near the kitchen island while dinner was being prepared.
Witnesses confirmed that seven-year-old Barnaby exerted no physical or mental effort to earn the high-value dairy product, having spent the previous four hours entirely unconscious on a living room rug. According to household sources, the distribution occurred when 34-year-old resident Greg Miller realized the wedge of cheese he was grating for a baked ziti had become too small to safely run across a microplane without risking his knuckles.
Rather than discarding the rind or saving it to flavor a future soup broth, Miller reportedly looked down at the dog, who was breathing heavily and staring blankly at the lower oven door, and simply handed over the heavily aged, eight-dollar chunk of imported cheese. Financial analysts within the home noted that Barnaby’s compensation per hour of actual labor now vastly exceeds that of the home’s primary mortgage payers.
He didn't sit, he didn't shake, he didn't even make eye contact with the person grating the cheese. He just existed in our peripheral vision, and somehow that was enough to secure the highest-value asset currently available in the refrigerator.
At press time, Barnaby had reportedly swallowed the entire rock-hard rind whole without chewing, successfully digested none of it, and had already repositioned himself to begin negotiations for a piece of garlic bread.