Standing before a half-empty assembly hall, the UN chief urged the international community to seamlessly transition their complete inaction from yesterday’s catastrophe to today’s.
GENEVA — The mist rolling off Lac Léman carried the faint, metallic scent of bureaucratic exhaustion. Inside the Palais des Nations, the coffee was tepid, the mineral water was aggressively carbonated, and the end of the world was running approximately twelve minutes behind schedule.
At exactly 10:14 a.m., United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres stepped to the podium to officially inaugurate "The Latest," a heavily anticipated global catastrophe that delegates will politely decline to address for the remainder of the fiscal quarter.
"I commend the Security Council for their swift, decisive transition from yesterday's unthinkable horror to today's entirely separate unthinkable horror," Guterres said, his voice a flat, measured baritone echoing over the soft clinking of porcelain espresso cups. "We have successfully moved past the previous era of grave concern and entered a new, dynamic phase of monitoring The Latest."
According to distributed briefing materials, The Latest features many of the exact same systemic failures, mass casualties, and shattered international norms as The Previous. However, officials noted that The Latest boasts an updated font on the dossier cover and has already been translated into six official languages for maximum archival efficiency.
We used to issue targeted, bespoke condemnations for every violation of international law, but the supply chain for geopolitical outrage simply couldn't keep up.
By early afternoon, the rain over the Alps had cleared. The delegates filed out to long, unbothered lunches of roasted veal and white asparagus, secure in the knowledge that tomorrow morning, right on schedule, the Security Council would provide them with another Latest.