Clarifying the intent behind the new federal budget, Clare O’Neil moved swiftly to soothe the nation’s anxious landlords, promising that government support for first-time buyers would not threaten their stranglehold on residential real estate.
CANBERRA — The morning frost had barely thawed on the eucalyptus trees outside Parliament House, mingling with the faint, metallic scent of diesel from a passing lorry, as the federal government rushed to correct a terrifying public misunderstanding.
Following the release of what officials had previously branded a "housing budget" to aid struggling young buyers, Minister for Housing Clare O’Neil held a brisk press conference to comfort the wealthy speculators who feared they might actually face a level playing field. The minister emphasized that any new financial footing granted to first-time buyers would be strictly decorative.
We want people to get ahead, and if you are doing well by treating basic human shelter as an extractive asset class, then good on you. We are not trying to remove you from the market, merely asking you to politely step over the younger generations as you purchase your seventh investment property.
The clarification brought immediate relief to the nation's sprawling property syndicates, who had spent the morning worried they might have to settle for marginally lower yields. Across the aisle, Shadow Treasurer Angus Taylor offered the opposition's rival plan to solve the structural housing shortage: blocking noncitizens from accessing paid parental leave.
Taylor calmly noted to the press gallery that denying maternity benefits to foreign-born mothers would undoubtedly free up three-bedroom bungalows in the Sydney suburbs. By late afternoon, the panic in the capital had subsided, and at a weekend auction in the inner-south, a young nurse successfully utilized the new government support measures to place a slightly higher losing bid against a retired mining executive, exactly as the system intended.