The nation braced for dual tremors on Tuesday morning as a 3.4 magnitude earthquake rattled rural New South Wales and the Treasurer bravely accepted a minor dip in his approval ratings.
CANBERRA — The morning air outside Parliament House smelled faintly of dry eucalyptus and spilled flat white as the Australian continent absorbed a pair of devastating shocks: a 3.4 magnitude earthquake near a rural goldmine, and a fractional dip in the Treasurer’s approval ratings.
Treasurer Jim Chalmers stood before the press gallery on Tuesday to formally declare his willingness to shed "political paint" in a grueling, largely theoretical war against capital gains tax discounts. Visibly burdened by the weight of slightly altering a loophole for domestic property investors, Chalmers framed the government’s recent consultation process as an act of profound civic martyrdom.
The Treasurer assured the public that the bruising loss of a few hypothetical polling points was a sacrifice he was prepared to make for the youth of the nation, who remain entirely priced out of the housing market regardless of the adjustments.
If we are given the choice between taking the easy path or bravely shedding a microscopic layer of our political lacquer to marginally assist first home buyers, we will walk into that valley of death.
The political tremors coincided with actual seismic activity in New South Wales. Geoscience Australia reported a 3.4 magnitude quake near Orange at 5:45 a.m., which rattled a few local teacups and was felt by at least 108 people. Two hours earlier, a 3.2 magnitude temblor struck near Wilcannia.
Authorities confirmed that exactly two people reported feeling the Wilcannia event, a figure roughly equal to the number of working-class voters actively tracking the nuances of the capital gains carve-outs. As the midday sun baked the Canberra pavement, the Treasurer returned to his chambers to assess the damage, staring out at a nation forever changed by a minor adjustment to its domestic tax obligations.