After a six-decade distraction winning 39 Grand Slam titles, the American athlete finally demonstrated sufficient academic rigor to discuss the 20th century.
LOS ANGELES — The morning marine layer had not yet burned off the concrete breezeways of the California State University campus on Monday, leaving a damp chill on the folding chairs arranged for commencement. There, beneath the flight path of municipal helicopters, 82-year-old Billie Jean King finally secured the entry-level humanities credential she had spent the last 61 years avoiding.
University proctors confirmed that King, having completed a prolonged gap year that incidentally yielded 39 Grand Slam championships and a Presidential Medal of Freedom, is now academically certified to express opinions on the twentieth century. She originally abandoned her coursework in 1964 for a transient life hitting a felt ball across European lawns, leaving her permanent record in a state of administrative limbo.
We simply cannot waive the lower-division survey requirements just because a student has spent the intervening decades fundamentally altering the trajectory of global civil rights.
The new graduate, who was previously forced to accept the Congressional Gold Medal without the intellectual backing of a 2.8 grade point average, reportedly submitted a final thesis citing her own diaries as primary source material. Faculty members noted she showed promise, marking her papers with a thoroughness completely detached from the fact that her public push for pay parity is a core syllabus topic in the very department granting her degree.
As the ceremony concluded and attendees dispersed into the sprawling American traffic grid, King was seen holding her diploma, apparently relieved to finally possess a valid academic basis for the history she personally authored.