The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed Wednesday that an 18-state cyclospora outbreak causing explosive diarrhea is the direct, anticipated result of a multi-million-dollar lobbying effort to streamline the domestic produce sector.
The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed Wednesday that an 18-state cyclospora outbreak causing explosive diarrhea is the direct, anticipated result of a multi-million-dollar lobbying effort to streamline the domestic produce sector.
With more than 400 cases of the parasitic illness recorded across the country, public health officials have officially traced the sickness to raw produce contaminated with human feces. Agency representatives noted that the parasite-laden supply chain represents a significant legislative victory for agricultural political action committees, who spent the last election cycle successfully pressuring lawmakers to protect the industry's right to harvest greens directly adjacent to open latrines.
While the resulting explosive bowel movements have presented a minor communications challenge, they are also a testament to a robust, unencumbered free market.
According to internal memos circulated on K Street, the severe intestinal illness—whose legally protected symptoms include cramps, nausea, fatigue, and low-grade fever—was modeled as an "acceptable mid-term liability" during early negotiations over the latest Farm Bill. The legislation, which quietly removed several redundant federal barriers between untreated human sewage and consumer-facing romaine lettuce, cleared the House floor with a comfortable majority.
Aides within the Trump administration indicated that the White House plans to address the gastrointestinal crisis by distributing new talking points to federal agencies, assuring key swing-state voters that the widespread vomiting is merely the sound of a thriving, deregulated economy.