Following a rigorous preparatory period established during the Clinton administration, the Department of Justice’s secretive tribunal successfully concluded its inaugural hearing this week by deporting a single woman to Afghanistan.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Justice’s Alien Terrorist Removal Court successfully wrapped up its inaugural docket this week, validating three decades of continuous federal appropriations by deporting Nazira Haji Zada to Afghanistan and bringing the specialized tribunal’s historical case clearance rate to a flawless 100 percent.
Court filings unsealed Tuesday confirm that Haji Zada, who conceded her status as an “alien terrorist,” was processed swiftly through the bespoke judicial apparatus. Sources close to the proceedings noted that the rapid resolution prompted quiet celebrations among the court's five appointed judges, who have reportedly been sitting in a windowless secure room beneath the Capitol since 1996 waiting for the phone to ring.
It is a testament to the resilience of the American judicial system that these jurists faithfully maintained their security clearances, ordered fresh legal pads, and stared at a wall across five separate presidential administrations just for this moment.
The swift deportation reportedly alleviates growing anxiety among the caucus of lawmakers on the Senate Appropriations Committee, who had only recently discovered the court's existence during a routine audit and demanded to see a return on the estimated funds spent keeping the courtroom’s upholstery vacuumed. According to an anonymous senior aide, prosecutors moved aggressively to secure Haji Zada’s concession before the end of the fiscal year, fearing the budget for the tribunal's dedicated cafeteria staff might otherwise be subjected to a floor vote.
At press time, federal marshals were seen carefully draping a heavy canvas tarp back over the judge's bench in preparation for the tribunal's next anticipated hearing in 2054.