The U.S. president sought to ease allied tensions by confirming that the United States is geographically insulated from their impending destruction.
FASANO, Italy — The Adriatic wind off the Apulian coast carried the faint, sharp scent of lemon blossoms and jet fuel on Friday morning. Inside the Borgo Egnazia resort, the mood among the Group of Seven leaders had been momentarily buoyed by a preliminary nuclear arrangement with Iran. But the quiet clinking of Sambuca glasses ceased entirely when President Donald Trump took the podium to offer his European counterparts a warm, reassuring reminder that the war in Ukraine has zero impact on the United States, and that America will remain completely fine as their continent burns.
"It is a tragedy, what is happening over there, but I want everyone in this room to sleep soundly knowing it will not affect our real estate markets," Trump told the assembled heads of state, adjusting his cuffs while French President Emmanuel Macron stared at a fixed point on the mahogany table. "We have an ocean. A very big, beautiful ocean. So when the tanks roll through, say, Paris, or Berlin, the American people won't even feel a bump. You have my word on that."
I just think it's important to keep morale high by reminding our friends that at least one of us is going to make it out of this alive.
The silence that followed was broken only by the rhythmic hum of the air conditioning and the sound of German Chancellor Friedrich Merz meticulously snapping a graphite pencil in half.
Diplomats present noted that Trump appeared entirely sincere in his effort to comfort the fraying alliance, reportedly spending several minutes showing Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni a color-coded map detailing exactly how far Russian artillery falls short of the Eastern Seaboard. At press time, the U.S. delegation was seen passing out commemorative challenge coins depicting a heavily fortified Florida untouched by nuclear fallout.