Needing only a single point to win the Spanish domestic league, FC Barcelona has prepared a tactical masterclass in aggressively avoiding the sport.
BARCELONA — The evening air settling over the L'Eixample district carried the faint, metallic scent of discarded flare canisters and spilled Estrella Damm. Inside the stadium, groundskeepers meticulously watered the pitch, ensuring the grass was perfectly slick for a historic evening of doing absolutely nothing.
Needing only a single point to secure the La Liga title, FC Barcelona confirmed its tactical approach for tonight's El Clasico will consist of aggressively avoiding the sport of football for a full 90 minutes.
The fixture, long framed as a geopolitical proxy war between Castilian centralism and Catalan independence, will tonight take the form of center-back Andreas Christensen gently tapping the ball sideways to his goalkeeper until the referee mercifully blows the final whistle.
Local syndicates spent the afternoon drinking cortados in the plazas, debating exactly how early in the first half the home side would begin faking calf cramps. Most agreed the tactical time-wasting would commence during the opening coin toss.
We have a deep, historic responsibility to the people of Catalonia to ensure this match is entirely unwatchable.
Real Madrid delegates arrived in the city with the solemn understanding of their own role in the evening's drama. Trailing in the league table, the visitors are expected to jog lightly toward the Barcelona penalty area before shrugging and conceding a throw-in, honoring the ancient rivalry by securing the 0-0 draw with minimal perspiration.
By nightfall, riot police had taken up their standard positions outside the gates, quietly preparing to stand entirely still while nothing of consequence occurred inside.