The Department of Transportation has raised its domestic comfort threat level following the complete liquidation of Spirit Airlines. According to officials, the carrier's second bankruptcy in two years leaves a critical vacuum in the nation's strategic reserve of arbitrary boarding fees.
The Federal Aviation Administration issued an emergency advisory on Tuesday, warning regulators that the shutdown of the ultra-low-cost carrier could dangerously stabilize passenger morale across the continental United States. Spirit Airlines previously maintained a crucial regulatory function by ensuring at least eleven percent of domestic travelers were actively weeping at a departure gate at any given time, according to sources familiar with the airline's operational metrics.
The sudden absence of Spirit from our airspace means millions of Americans might reach their destinations with their dignity intact, a scenario our current infrastructure is simply not equipped to handle.
Lawmakers on the House Transportation Committee are reportedly drafting emergency legislation to subsidize the remaining major carriers, mandating that Delta and United begin charging passengers a federal fee to use the overhead air vents. A senior aide, who requested anonymity to discuss unreleased policy drafts, noted that without government intervention to artificially inflate the cost of basic carry-on luggage, the American public might grow dangerously accustomed to arriving at their destinations on the same day they departed.