The state has once again successfully bureaucratized the abyss of human consciousness, requiring high school students to resolve Friedrich Nietzsche by lunchtime.
PARIS — A fine, gray drizzle settled over the 11th arrondissement on Thursday morning as half a million high school students sat for the annual philosophy baccalaureate. Inside the Lycée Voltaire, the air smelled faintly of damp wool and floor wax as teenagers stared blankly at a mandatory prompt concerning Friedrich Nietzsche's 1878 text, "Human, All Too Human."
The Ministry of National Education has once again asked the nation's 17-year-olds to cleanly resolve the gaping abyss of human consciousness. The state allotted exactly four hours for the task.
Students were expected to dismantle the illusions of morality, confront the terrifying void of existence, and synthesize a framework for living in a godless universe. They were also instructed to write their candidate numbers clearly in the top right corner of the booklet.
The universe offers no inherent truth, which is why it is absolutely vital that the candidates use blue or black ink only.
The state-mandated confrontation with the void remains a fiercely protected national tradition. Graders will spend the next three weeks evaluating the adolescent encounters with nihilism on the standard 20-point scale. While realizing the inherent futility of all human endeavor is considered a key developmental milestone in the Republic, officials noted that failing to properly underline the German philosopher's name still results in an automatic two-point deduction.
Several students at a testing center near the Place de la République reportedly wept quietly into their hands upon realizing that consciousness is merely a biological trap. Invigilators offered them state-approved tissues and reminded them that emotional breakdowns must not disturb the other test-takers.
At 12:01 p.m., the proctors collected the damp booklets. The youths, now entirely divested of their childhood optimism, filed out into the wet courtyard to smoke cheap cigarettes and await their afternoon examinations in applied trigonometry.