The Department of Homeland Security on Tuesday praised its own data analysts for tracking down nearly 1.1 percent of the massive noncitizen voting bloc the agency invented out of whole cloth in October.
The Department of Homeland Security on Tuesday praised its own data analysts for tracking down nearly 1.1 percent of the massive noncitizen voting bloc the agency invented out of whole cloth in October.
According to internal memos provided to Nevada election officials, the federal agency has formally revised its initial warning of 16,000 potential noncitizen voters menacing the state's voter rolls down to 185. A departmental spokesperson characterized the 98.8 percent reduction not as a reporting error, but as a routine and highly successful streamlining of its domestic threat portfolio.
While our initial figure of 16,000 was based on the exact amount of panic required to secure a supplemental funding request, locating 185 real people proves our underlying methodology is structurally sound.
Agency officials confirmed on background that the remaining 15,815 undocumented voters have now been safely deported from a central Microsoft Excel document. The original threat matrix was reportedly generated by cross-referencing state DMV wait times with a list of unfamiliar surnames that a federal contractor had flagged as statistically suspicious.
An agency spokesperson noted that the revised figure of 185 will still be officially designated as a staggering migrant voting army in all forthcoming congressional testimony, citing internal guidelines that require federal agencies to round any statistical anomaly up to the nearest politically expedient catastrophe.