Speaker Mike Johnson and Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries announced Wednesday that the chamber will officially allocate federal resources to determine whether it is possible for lawmakers to keep their hands to themselves.
The joint initiative, spearheaded by the chairs of the Republican and Democratic women’s caucuses, will aim to draft a comprehensive report on the theoretical possibility of lawmakers interacting with female subordinates without propositioning them, according to a formal statement released by House leadership.
The announcement follows the recent resignations of two congressmen amid sexual misconduct allegations, prompting leaders from both sides of the aisle to concede that the chamber's traditional framework of relying on confidential, taxpayer-funded settlements to quietly manage daily congressional groping may need to be modernized.
According to a memo circulated among Capitol Hill staff, the partnership will explore sweeping reforms, including the radical pilot program of treating 23-year-old legislative assistants as professionals rather than dating-app matches who are legally forbidden from leaving the room.
We must reach across the aisle to investigate whether it is physically possible for a duly elected representative of the United States government to go a full fiscal year without acting like a regional manager at a 1970s carpet brokerage.
The task force is scheduled to hold a series of closed-door hearings throughout the summer to gather expert testimony from human resources professionals, labor lawyers, and anyone else who can explain the baffling concept of professional boundaries to the nation’s most powerful legislative body.
Draft legislation mandating that members of Congress pretend their junior schedulers are human beings is expected to be marked up in committee by late November, though senior aides note that the mandate will likely face stiff opposition in the Senate.