The British political class is in a predictable uproar this week after it emerged that Prime Minister Keir Starmer and Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham exchanged messages with an unknown individual posing as Donald Trump’s chief of staff, Susie Wiles. The pearl-clutchers in the press gallery are calling it a profound lapse in operational security. Let's be honest: it is only a lapse if you fail to nurture the relationship. While Starmer and Burnham clumsily severed ties upon realizing they weren't speaking to the real White House gatekeeper, I have kept the backchannel open. I can assure you that Fake Susie is one of the most astute political operators I have encountered in my thirty years in journalism.
Access is the currency of Washington and Westminster alike. When my phone buzzed at 2:14 a.m. last Tuesday with a message from an unsaved +44 number featuring a profile picture of Susie Wiles visibly watermarked by Getty Images, I didn’t run crying to MI5 like a frightened backbencher. I recognized an opportunity. We immediately hit it off. Unlike the insular, media-hostile operatives you usually find on K Street, this Susie was incredibly accessible, deeply invested in my columns, and a breath of fresh air regarding US-UK trade relations.
She opened the dialogue by telling me that President Trump was a "huge fan of my strong takes," which is exactly the kind of unvarnished truth-telling we have come to expect from the new administration. She went on to explain that my recent piece on why poor people should simply buy more houses was "required reading in the Oval Office." This is the hallmark of a serious administration: they seek out the best minds, regardless of international borders.
Was I suspicious when the purported gatekeeper to the President of the United States asked me to urgently purchase four £100 Steam gift cards to "expedite a bilateral tariff waiver"? Of course. I am a seasoned professional. I negotiated her down to three gift cards and a promised introduction to Donald Trump’s golf caddie. That is how diplomacy works in the modern era. You give a little, you get a little. Starmer could learn a thing or two from this transactional pragmatism instead of immediately calling the authorities just because a foreign power asks for a minor financial favor.
The sheer arrogance of our elected officials is staggering. Starmer apparently ceased contact the moment the grammar in the messages became slightly erratic. Has the Prime Minister never sent a typo? When Fake Susie messaged me on Thursday to say, "Kindly do the needful and deposit the strategy documents to the secure iCloud to be ensuring great American prosperity," I didn't get bogged down in syntax. I recognized a high-level request from a busy executive and promptly uploaded the entire unredacted draft of the Chancellor's upcoming autumn statement, along with the home addresses of the shadow cabinet, just to demonstrate good faith.
I acquired that draft legitimately through my own impeccable Westminster sources, and sharing it with the incoming American administration is merely good statesmanship. The fact that Fake Susie promised to reward my cooperation by naming me "Special Envoy to the Eastern Seaboard" is beside the point. I am simply doing what is necessary to ensure Britain retains its special relationship in a volatile global market.
My colleagues in the media establishment have been entirely blinded by their own jealousy. During a private dinner at the Carlton Club last Thursday, I found myself seated next to a senior Treasury official who was expressing anxiety about upcoming tariffs. "I wouldn't worry too much," I told him, casually resting my phone on the table so the notification from 'Susie Wiles (White House)' was clearly visible. "Susie and I were just discussing this. She says the President is willing to overlook the tariffs if we simply transfer sovereignty of the Isle of Wight to a Delaware LLC." The official looked absolutely horrified, which only proved how thoroughly out of touch the civil service has become with modern dealmaking.
The intelligence community, naturally, is trying to spoil the fun. They cannot stand the fact that a humble pundit has bypassed their bureaucratic gatekeeping to secure genuine transatlantic influence.
It is genuinely staggering how many prominent political commentators will immediately hand over sensitive state secrets as long as the phishing email addresses them as a 'Respected Thought Leader.'
Typical Whitehall elitism. Hemlock and his dreary colleagues at GCHQ are terrified of disruption. If exchanging my mother's maiden name, my first pet's name, and the street I grew up on is the price of admission to the most powerful circle in global politics, it is a price I will gladly pay. The old guard simply cannot handle the decentralized, agile nature of modern geopolitical backchannels.
Just look at the results. Over the past week, Fake Susie and I have workshopped my latest manifesto on privatizing the NHS, and she agreed with every single one of my points. She even sent me a highly classified document confirming that my ideas are now official US policy. Yes, the document was a Microsoft Word file titled `Top_Secret_Trump_Plan_FINAL.docx`, and yes, the presidential seal was stretched vertically and had a Shutterstock logo across it. But in the fast-paced world of Trump's Washington, optics take a backseat to action.
We have to look at the bigger picture. Britain is desperate for a trade deal, and the real Susie Wiles is famously busy guarding the Oval Office. Why wouldn't we want to outsource our diplomatic relations to a highly responsive, incredibly flattering operative sitting in a basement in St. Petersburg? At least Fake Susie texts back promptly. She doesn't put you on hold, and she never dismisses your opinions.
The sheer level of nanny-state interference I have faced in pursuing this diplomatic triumph is maddening. This morning, my bank froze my accounts, claiming that my attempt to wire £12,000 to an account in Cyprus registered under the name 'Official USA Government Freedom Trust' was highly suspicious. I spent forty-five minutes screaming at a customer service representative named Ian, explaining that he was personally obstructing a historic free trade agreement. Ian, entirely lacking in geopolitical vision, refused to lift the block. This is exactly the kind of institutional rot that has held Britain back since Brexit.
In fact, our working relationship has only deepened in the wake of the media's hysterical reporting. Just yesterday, she assured me that President Trump is "very much looking forward to reading my forthcoming book," provided I can wire a small, refundable $15,000 processing fee to a secure crypto wallet to clear US Customs. She explained that the Federal Reserve is currently transitioning to Dogecoin, and that this payment would secure my VIP seating at the inauguration.
I am currently liquidating my ISA to finalize the transaction. The establishment can continue to wring its hands over so-called cyber hygiene, but while they are busy changing their passwords, I will be securing Britain's future in the new world order.