Fearing the horrific consequences of a successful diplomatic summit, Tehran has skillfully introduced several unacceptable demands to ensure bilateral relations remain safely toxic.
TEHRAN — The air in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs courtyard smelled faintly of diesel exhaust and crushed jasmine on Tuesday morning. A ceiling fan ticked rhythmically above a lukewarm glass of black tea as Iranian diplomats worked tirelessly to walk back reports of a breakthrough with the United States, skillfully sabotaging a 60-day ceasefire agreement to postpone the devastating military invasion that traditionally follows a successful diplomatic summit.
Noting that the current U.S.-Israeli war on Iran and last June’s 12-day bombing campaign both commenced the exact moment the two nations reached a mutual understanding on nuclear oversight, Tehran’s delegation spent the afternoon carefully inserting unacceptable demands into the Strait of Hormuz treaty. The deliberate stalling tactics have successfully prolonged the drafting phase, sparing several power plants from the immediate airspace incursions that typically accompany a finalized memorandum of understanding.
In Washington, former President Donald Trump and a coalition of GOP hawks harshly criticized the administration for engaging in the talks, demanding an immediate end to the negotiations so that the customary bombardment could proceed on schedule without having to wait for the ink to dry. Iranian officials reportedly sent a quiet back-channel message thanking the Republicans for their stabilizing hostility, noting that predictable American hawkishness is the only thing standing between Tehran and a catastrophic peace accord.
Whenever the Americans smile and tell us we are making excellent progress toward a historic understanding, we immediately begin moving our personnel into the deepest available mountain bunkers.
The State Department’s terrifying assertion late Monday that the two nations are "inching closer to a peace deal" has reportedly caused widespread panic across Tehran. At press time, citizens were boarding up windows and stockpiling medical supplies as the grave threat of bipartisan American diplomatic approval loomed over the capital.