IRS issues new W-9 requiring independent contractors to disclose bad vibes

The agency has lost billions in uncollected revenue from graphic designers who sigh heavily during mandatory morning check-ins. This regulatory framework ensures that if an individual's aura constitutes a persistent drag on company morale, they will be taxed as a hostile entity.

According to internal Treasury Department memos obtained by the Associated Press, the IRS will deploy 4,000 new field agents to enforce the mandate, focusing audit efforts on high-earning consultants who stare blankly into the middle distance when asked how they are doing. The memos indicate that checking the box to declare one is "just not really feeling it right now" will prompt an immediate freeze on all domestic bank accounts.

At a morning press briefing, IRS Commissioner Danny Werfel confirmed that the agency is also finalizing an updated Schedule C, which will finally allow self-employed taxpayers to deduct up to $400 for the sage, crystals, and routine aura cleansings required to remain compliant with federal law.