Vice President JD Vance formally launched his 2028 presidential exploratory committee on Tuesday with a sweeping promise to eradicate Daylight Saving Time in order to facilitate uninterrupted mid-day snoozes.
Addressing a crowd of early primary voters at the Iowa State Fairgrounds, Vance argued that the bi-annual clock shift is a "technocratic overreach" designed to disrupt the natural circadian rhythms of Americans who just want to close their eyes for a few minutes after eating a heavy lunch. The proposed temporal overhaul would permanently lock the nation's clocks to whichever hour makes retreating to the couch at 2:30 p.m. feel most biologically justified.
For over a century, Washington bureaucrats have weaponized the temporal continuum to steal our most restorative daytime REM cycles.
The campaign’s flagship legislation, the Restoring American Vigor Act, outlines a multi-agency effort to dismantle the Uniform Time Act of 1966. Under the new framework, the Department of Transportation would be tasked with recalibrating the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado, to account for nationwide grogginess, while the Federal Aviation Administration would be required to ground all commercial flights during a designated 90-minute federal quiet time.
Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Department of Energy confirmed they are actively modeling how a mandatory nationwide nap would impact the power grid, noting that a synchronized 2:30 p.m. drop in industrial productivity might accidentally resolve the country's carbon emission goals. Meanwhile, the Vance campaign has reportedly begun replacing traditional lawn signs in key swing states with branded blackout curtains and high-fidelity white noise machines.