The agency unveiled new regulatory guidelines on Tuesday aimed at phasing out the mid-day meal, citing a growing movement of workers who feel that pausing to consume calories severely interrupts their ability to stare at aging laptops.
The Department of Labor unveiled new regulatory guidelines on Tuesday aimed at phasing out the mid-day meal, citing a growing movement of workers who feel that pausing to consume calories severely interrupts their ability to stare at aging laptops.
The proposed rule change, supported by a bipartisan coalition of lawmakers and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, would officially designate the traditional 12:30 p.m. lunch hour as "obsolete nonsense." Acting Secretary of Labor Julie Su noted in a 400-page filing that the regulatory shift was directly inspired by Los Angeles-based thought leaders who have bravely spoken out against the Lunch Industrial Complex, a powerful lobbying arm historically responsible for forcing office workers to briefly leave their desks.
We can no longer allow the Lunch Industrial Complex to dictate when our citizens chew, especially when mandated breaks so clearly disrupt the vital American work of wiping stray leg hairs off monitor screens.
Analysts expect the legislation to face minimal pushback from major corporate advocacy groups, who have long argued that eating at a designated time is a burdensome regulatory relic of the 20th century. Under the new administrative framework, employees experiencing severe mid-day hunger will be legally encouraged to view the sensation not as a sign of physiological need, but as an outdated psychological hurdle preventing them from moving their fingers from key to key.
A preliminary Congressional Budget Office impact study attached to the proposal estimates that eliminating the pressure to acquire and consume food could save employers up to $40 billion annually in lost productivity, while simultaneously liberating workers to fully succumb to the steady physical deterioration of the modern workday.