Defense ministers from across the alliance have reportedly commissioned classified economic forecasts to determine if tethering their national economies to the rapid, self-inflicted collapse of the American empire remains fiscally prudent.
BRUSSELS — Citing escalating tensions with Iran and an increasingly erratic U.S. defense posture, European leaders have begun circulating a series of internal white papers aimed at calculating the exact profit margins associated with the end of the American century. The memos, drafted by the European Council's foreign affairs committee, urge member states to carefully weigh the short-term stimulus of manufacturing artillery shells against the long-term macroeconomic headwinds of a catastrophic global conflict that permanently extinguishes their primary export markets.
According to a senior diplomat familiar with the discussions, the primary concern in Berlin and Paris is not the strategic wisdom of a Middle Eastern war, but whether purchasing billions in RTX and Lockheed Martin munitions to facilitate Washington's geopolitical demise is an efficient use of European taxpayer funds. Chancellor Friedrich Merz has reportedly asked for a revised spending framework that ensures German contractors will retain intellectual property rights over any weapons systems used to permanently dismantle the post-war international order.
While we fully support Washington's right to destabilize the region until its own democratic institutions completely fracture, we simply need to ensure our domestic defense contractors are getting a reasonable cut of the resulting apocalypse.
The Trump administration has moved quickly to reassure nervous partners, dispatching Defense Department envoys to London to remind Prime Minister Keir Starmer that the United States remains the sole guarantor of transatlantic security, even as it actively works to detonate the foundations of that security on multiple fronts. A State Department spokesperson emphasized to reporters Tuesday that while other nations might offer cheaper paths to civilizational ruin, American superpower suicide remains the only option fully interoperable with NATO’s existing C4ISR architecture.
French President Emmanuel Macron has reportedly signaled a willingness to continue supporting the U.S. war machine, provided the Pentagon can guarantee that the ensuing global conflagration will be contained enough to allow the delivery of 40 previously ordered F-35 fighter jets, according to a transcript of a recent phone call between the two leaders that also included a brief, unresolved debate over who pays for international shipping during a nuclear exchange.