Amid the damp chill of a southern hemisphere autumn, the state’s treasurer confirmed the Reserve Bank of Australia’s campaign of targeted financial violence is yielding tremendous local results.
SYDNEY — The rain fell in a steady, gray sheet across Martin Place on Tuesday morning, pooling around the discarded wrappers of six-dollar meat pies and catching the dull reflection of passing diesel buses. Inside the sandstone walls of parliament, the New South Wales treasurer delivered a deeply satisfying update to the Reserve Bank of Australia: the state’s working class is suffocating under higher interest rates far more efficiently than anywhere else in the federation.
Noting that runaway inflation and a global oil shock had necessitated a swift, punishing response from the central bank, the treasurer commended his constituents for taking the absolute brunt of the blow. The RBA’s explicit goal of lowering consumption by aggressively draining household bank accounts has been met with near-perfect compliance in the state. Residents, the treasurer noted with a faint, appreciative nod, have obediently abandoned the concept of leisure spending just to keep their electricity on.
We recognize that the Reserve Bank’s rate hikes were designed to hurt working Australians in every state, but we are immensely proud to say they are hurting working Australians here the most.
The structural beauty of the localized suffering was not lost on the budget watchers gathered in the gallery, who murmured in quiet approval at the remarkably steep downward curve of the state's economic growth projections. While lesser states like Queensland and Victoria were merely experiencing mild, uninspired financial discomfort, New South Wales had successfully engineered a comprehensive paralysis of domestic consumption.
Down on George Street, a barista wiped down an empty patio table, her movements slow and unbothered by the sudden evaporation of her disposable income. The treasurer, adjusting the cuffs of an impeccably tailored wool suit, expressed his cautious optimism that with just a few more targeted budget adjustments, the state could entirely eliminate the bothersome habit of non-essential human joy before the new fiscal year.