Stressing that the tragic incident was an isolated and completely unforeseeable event, the Pennsylvania Department of Health confirmed Tuesday that a teenager died from a "rare and severe" complication stemming from the state legislature's recent pivot toward 19th-century epidemiology.
The coroner’s report noted that the teen contracted the previously eradicated virus following a series of highly successful floor votes aimed at protecting constituents from the overreach of the MMR vaccine. Officials confirmed this marks the fourth time this year a Pennsylvania resident has succumbed to the fatal, incredibly rare side effect of standard political messaging.
The state health department downplayed concerns of a broader public health crisis, assuring voters that dying of a medieval illness remains a statistically unlikely outcome of modern electoral strategy.
While any loss of life is tragic, we must remember that a fatal respiratory collapse is just one of many rare, severe complications of doing your own research.
Reached for comment, sources close to the statehouse leadership indicated the caucus has no plans to walk back their stance on optional immunology, pointing to internal polling that shows measles currently holds a favorable rating among key primary voters in the Philadelphia suburbs. A senior aide noted on background that the administration views the four statewide fatalities as an acceptable margin of error for a policy that has yielded significant fundraising momentum.
At press time, lawmakers from both sides of the aisle were reportedly drafting a joint resolution to ensure future victims of eradicated diseases are officially classified as patriots who successfully avoided the mild discomfort of a routine copay.