Addressing a scandal that has gripped the island nation, the Prime Minister promised to eliminate her remaining REM cycles by the end of the fiscal year.
TOKYO — Rain slicked the pavement outside the National Diet Building on Tuesday morning as Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi moved to quell a growing political crisis, assuring a concerned public that her reported "zero to three hours" of nightly sleep was a temporary sign of weakness she fully intends to correct.
The revelation of the Prime Minister’s grueling schedule had prompted an immediate panic across Japan's corporate sector, sparking a frantic nationwide debate over whether the traditional four-hour salaryman sleep cycle was now a form of soft, self-indulgent treason. Under the humming fluorescent lights of the Kasumigaseki district, civil servants were seen nervously pouring cold green tea over their wrists to maintain parity with the head of state.
It is deeply unsettling to learn the Prime Minister is outperforming us in sleep deprivation, leaving the private sector scrambling to bridge the wakefulness gap.
To demonstrate her unwavering commitment to the country's economic recovery, Takaichi's office released a revised daily itinerary consisting of twenty-two hours of legislative drafting, one hour of staring unblinkingly at the Nikkei index, and a fifty-minute window allocated for a low-intensity standing micro-nap. Aides noted on background that the Prime Minister has already ordered the cushions removed from her official residence to prevent further lapses.
By midnight in Shinjuku, the smell of ozone and roasted sweet potatoes hung heavy in the damp air as commuters queued for the last train home, quietly adjusting their smartphone alarms to wake up thirty minutes before they went to sleep.