Amidst the stagnant summer heat and the smell of steeped black tea, Iran’s Revolutionary Guards have issued a diplomatic request for the United States to specify which of its Middle Eastern military installations it would prefer to see reduced to ash.
TEHRAN — The ceiling fan in the Ministry of Defense clicked rhythmically against its brass housing on Saturday morning, stirring the faint scent of diesel exhaust and steeped black tea. Across a heavy mahogany table, Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps issued a formal administrative request, inviting Washington to nominate exactly which of its Middle Eastern military centers it would like obliterated in the event of another American attack on Iranian commercial vessels.
The clarification arrives at a delicate moment, as Washington awaits Tehran’s response to its latest peace deal proposal. The diplomatic calendar has grown congested since U.S. forces struck two Iranian tankers in the Gulf of Oman on Friday. Eager to prevent the total collapse of the ongoing peace process, the Guards noted that selecting a designated retaliatory crater in advance would save both sides valuable logistical friction during the upcoming summit.
The request, filed in triplicate and delivered via Swiss intermediaries, reflects a growing desire in Tehran to streamline the notoriously cumbersome process of asymmetrical warfare. By allowing the Pentagon to pre-select a target, the Guards hope to avoid any awkward misunderstandings about the scale of the impending vengeance.
We recognize that the United States maintains many fine logistical hubs and command centers in the region, and we would hate to arbitrarily vaporize an installation that holds sentimental value.
Zare reportedly slid a laminated topographical map of the Persian Gulf across the table, tapping a silver pen against several American footholds. He noted that while the sprawling Al Udeid Air Base in Qatar offered a classic, robust target for a heavy missile barrage, a smaller naval supply depot in Bahrain might be more appropriate if the next American strike only grazed a commercial hull.
The admiral added that the IRGC remains deeply committed to a lasting geopolitical peace, which is precisely why they are attempting to finalize the mandatory retaliatory bloodletting before the end of the fiscal quarter.
At press time, State Department officials in Washington were reportedly reviewing the request, leaning toward sacrificing a remote drone airstrip in Djibouti to keep the peace talks on schedule.