With a potential diplomatic agreement nearing, frustrated U.S. officials reported Wednesday that their Iranian counterparts are negotiating with an entirely unprofessional lack of existential dread.
Diplomatic efforts in Geneva have reportedly stalled after U.S. negotiators realized their standard portfolio of apocalyptic warnings was failing to elicit the traditional quiet panic from Tehran. According to internal State Department cables, Iran's new leadership appears entirely willing to absorb American and Israeli military pressure, largely because the nation has already spent the last several decades absorbing American and Israeli military pressure.
The paradigm shift has forced the administration of President Donald Trump to rethink its leverage. Analysts note that having already endured the isolation of their central bank, the total collapse of their currency, the assassination of multiple military commanders, and relentless covert sabotage operations, Iranian delegates have reportedly begun checking their emails during U.S. presentations detailing the devastating consequences of non-compliance.
It is incredibly difficult to conduct high-level diplomacy when the opposing party has already priced the fiery destruction of their critical infrastructure into their quarterly projections.
Pentagon planners are now reportedly working around the clock to develop new, previously unimaginable consequences to hold over Tehran, as the current list of diplomatic threats consists entirely of things that have either already happened to Iran or things Iran has decided it is entirely fine with. In the interim, U.S. officials have formally requested that the Iranian delegation at least feign a moderate level of terror when presented with the prospect of maximum pressure sanctions that they have successfully evaded since the Carter administration.