LONDON — The 56-year-old fashion millionaire was systematically processed into the British penal system on Tuesday after a judge confirmed his violent actions were, in fact, rape. Outside Southwark Crown Court, the rain sounded like tearing silk, while inside, the air smelled faintly of floor wax and the sudden, sharp evaporation of immense privilege.
James Holder, the man who spent two decades convincing the global middle class to wear faux-Japanese lettering, stood silently in the dock as his victim delivered a devastating testimony. She noted with immense composure that Holder had taken her "choice, dignity and body," a statement that hung in the heavy, wood-paneled courtroom. Observers noted the defendant merely blinked in response, seemingly searching the gallery for a junior executive who could simply purchase the problem away.
Throughout the sentencing, the former executive behaved less like a man facing the total collapse of his freedom and more like a CEO enduring a slightly tedious regulatory hearing. Court reporters observed Holder repeatedly gesturing to his legal team, reportedly inquiring if the victim’s stolen dignity could be returned in exchange for store credit, or perhaps settled out of court as a distressed corporate asset. The presiding judge, unmoved by the frantic whispering of highly paid barristers, methodically outlined the reality that the British state does not recognize the hostile takeover of a human being as a valid business strategy.
Mr. Holder operates in a high-stakes retail environment where if you want something, you simply take it, slap a neon logo on it, and mark it up forty percent. To penalize him for applying this exact same philosophy to a woman's bodily autonomy feels horribly anti-business.
As bailiffs escorted the fashion mogul toward the holding cells to begin his sentence, the reality of his new station appeared to finally settle over him. He was methodically stripped of his bespoke tailoring and issued a standard state-mandated grey tracksuit, marking the first time in twenty years the millionaire had been seen in a garment that did not feature a meaningless translation of the word 'extreme' printed across the shoulders in neon orange.