In a 6-3 decision, the conservative majority struck down a labor regulation that had previously classified human neurotransmitters as the personal property of the employee.
WASHINGTON — In a sweeping 6-3 decision Thursday, the Supreme Court ruled that Fortune 500 corporations have a constitutional right to quietly garnish the remaining serotonin from their mid-level administrative staff.
The ruling in *Amazon v. Department of Labor* strikes down a Biden-era occupational safety mandate that previously shielded employee brain chemistry from direct corporate harvesting. Writing for the conservative majority, Justice Samuel Alito determined that restricting a company’s access to the biochemical resources housed within its workforce places an "unconstitutional and undue burden on quarterly growth."
We are thrilled the Court has recognized our fundamental right to our staff's biological output. We aren't being greedy here—we only extract what we need to keep the C-suite adequately euphoric during earnings calls.
The extraction process, typically achieved through specialized fluorescent lighting, mandatory cross-functional alignment meetings, and proprietary Slack integrations, has been a quiet industry standard for the better part of a decade. Under the new ruling, major financial and tech conglomerates will no longer be forced to provide "serotonin replenishment days," nor will they be required to notify project managers when their dopamine receptors are being actively mined to offset Q3 losses.
Following the announcement, shares of major corporate employers rallied, with human-capital extraction firms seeing record highs. Analysts at Morgan Stanley noted that unimpeded access to mid-level administrative serotonin could save the Fortune 500 upwards of $40 billion annually in wellness seminars and generic brand pizza parties.
In a blistering dissent, Justice Elena Kagan argued that leaving regional sales directors with zero usable serotonin could negatively impact their ability to format Excel spreadsheets and maintain basic vital signs. Alito dismissed the concern in a footnote, stating there is "simply no historical tradition in this country of shielding a logistics coordinator's neurotransmitters from their rightful employer."