Following a stern warning from the US president, Taiwanese officials hastily clarified that their democratically elected government and standing army are merely informal suggestions.
TAIPEI — The rain drummed softly against the reinforced glass of the Legislative Yuan on Tuesday morning, masking the faint scent of braised pork drifting from the corner stalls. Inside, officials of a government that technically does not exist rushed to assure the United States that they would not do anything rash, like point out that they actually exist.
Following a stern warning from President Trump fresh off his summit in Beijing, Taiwan’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs issued a hastily drafted, globally recognized diplomatic cable to clarify that the island’s democratically elected leadership, independent judiciary, and standing military are merely casual arrangements among friends.
At a press briefing punctuated by the rhythmic clinking of porcelain teacups, representatives for the 23 million citizens of the Republic of China promised they had absolutely no intention of formalizing the total autonomy they have exercised daily since 1949.
We completely understand the President's concerns regarding the paperwork, which is why we will continue to issue our own passports, collect our own taxes, and scramble our own F-16 fighter jets without making a fuss about it.
Lin calmly adjusted his microphone, purchased with the New Taiwan Dollar, an independent fiat currency traded on global markets. He reiterated that while Taiwan holds national elections, maintains distinct territorial borders, and produces over sixty percent of the world’s semiconductors, it is perfectly content to let Washington and Beijing view the island as a particularly ambitious neighborhood watch program.
As the briefing concluded, the 10:15 high-speed rail to Kaohsiung departed the station exactly on schedule, operated with flawless efficiency by a state apparatus that all involved parties have politely agreed not to acknowledge.