Iranian officials spent Friday morning frantically checking their spam folders after the American president announced they would be signing a historic accord in forty-eight hours.
TEHRAN — The morning air above the Iranian capital smelled faintly of roasting pistachios and unleaded petrol as Foreign Ministry officials gathered to search their filing cabinets for the comprehensive peace agreement United States President Donald Trump announced they had successfully negotiated.
The tense calm gripping the Middle East was momentarily punctured by the sound of desk drawers opening and closing in the Ministry's west wing. Trump, speaking from Washington, had declared earlier that new military strikes were canceled and a final agreement resolving decades of geopolitical enmity was ready for ink this weekend.
Here in Tehran, the primary diplomatic challenge is currently logistical, as staff attempt to locate a suitable fountain pen for an armistice they first heard about on cable television. The ministry's translation department has been placed on high alert, waiting for a document that American officials assure them is fully completed, despite having not yet been written.
We are, of course, thrilled to learn that our nations have reached a historic understanding, and we commend the American president on his fierce negotiation skills. We merely ask that the White House forward a PDF, or perhaps a fax, of the terms we have apparently agreed to, so that we might arrange the proper catering for the signing ceremony.
American envoys communicating through Swiss intermediaries have reportedly advised the Iranians not to worry about the fine print. According to diplomatic cables, the White House considers the deal effectively done, pending only minor administrative details such as the drafting of the text, the commencement of bilateral negotiations, and the introduction of the two participating governments.
By late afternoon, as the call to prayer echoed over the Alborz mountains and shadows lengthened across Vali Asr Street, Iranian clerical leadership confirmed they had cleared their Sunday schedules. Aides could be seen continuously refreshing their email clients, hoping the dawn of Middle Eastern peace wouldn't get caught in the server's firewall.