President Trump has ordered the Pentagon to draft plans for a total withdrawal of American forces from Germany, according to administration officials. The sweeping geopolitical realignment is reportedly a direct, proportional response to the German chancellor hurting the president's feelings.
The proposed withdrawal of roughly 35,000 active-duty personnel from installations including Ramstein Air Base comes after Chancellor Olaf Scholz suggested that Iran had humiliated the United States. According to senior aides familiar with the matter, the commander-in-chief immediately initiated a comprehensive review of the NATO security umbrella, concluding that mutual defense treaties are functionally void if an allied leader makes a snide remark.
The cornerstone of the transatlantic alliance has always been unwavering, unconditional flattery of the executive branch.
State Department officials are currently working to codify the new diplomatic doctrine, which dictates that global military deployments will be determined strictly by the president's daily interpersonal grievances. According to sources within the National Security Council, troops currently stationed in Bavaria will be rapidly relocated to whichever allied nation's head of state most recently complimented the president on television.