Describing his 80th birthday as a politically motivated attack, President Donald Trump has formally ordered federal law enforcement to identify and prosecute the individuals responsible for his chronological aging.
According to a memorandum distributed to senior cabinet officials on Tuesday, the administration has classified the biological decay of the president's cellular structure as a partisan witch hunt, instructing the Justice Department to subpoena medical professionals, biographers, and any federal archivists who continue to maintain that Trump was born in 1946.
The directive marks the administration's most aggressive attempt yet to use executive authority to enjoin biological reality, following weeks of the president privately complaining to aides that his joints are being subjected to unfair treatment by the radical left.
Any assertion that the President has experienced the linear passage of time relies on highly suspect, unverified birth records from a deeply corrupt era of New York hospital administration.
Legal experts noted that while the executive branch possesses broad investigatory powers, using federal prosecutors to seek an injunction against human senescence presents novel constitutional challenges. The legal strategy was formally unveiled just days after the president spent 40 minutes of a televised campaign rally detailing an imaginary scenario involving a sinking electric boat and a shark, a performance his medical team subsequently entered into the official record as evidence of elite cognitive stamina.
In the interim, White House press staff have been instructed to refer to the president’s age internally as an alternative forty-nine. The Trump campaign has simultaneously launched a new joint fundraising committee aimed at legally contesting the historical existence of the 1980s, raising $4.2 million in its first hour from donors seeking to stop the steal of the president's youth.