U.S. officials confirmed Friday that the president's highly anticipated two-day summit in China concluded with a breakthrough agreement to quietly cede the democratic island in return for a multi-course banquet and a really nice marching band.
Returning to Washington on Friday following a two-day summit severely hampered by the ongoing U.S. ground war in Iran, President Trump touted a new bilateral framework in which the United States will formally abandon its strategic commitments in the South China Sea so long as Chinese President Xi Jinping continues to provide top-tier red carpet rollouts. Administration officials briefed on the talks noted that while the president failed to secure any trade concessions, he did manage to acquire several highly complimentary photos of himself standing next to a very large ceremonial sword.
According to transcripts of the closed-door meetings, the U.S. delegation initially planned to push back on Beijing’s aggressive rhetoric regarding the annexation of Taiwan, but quickly pivoted its negotiating strategy after Chinese officials offered the president a prime viewing balcony for a choreographed display of 4,000 synchronized acrobats. State Department liaisons confirmed the resulting memorandum of understanding legally binds the U.S. to look the other way during any future naval blockades in exchange for a commemorative gold plaque naming Trump the most handsome guest of honor to ever visit the republic.
The president went into these negotiations heavily weakened by our catastrophic entanglement in the Middle East, but he walked out with a personalized silk sash that says he is very strong.
The summit, which administration aides have relentlessly hyped as a stabilization of global power dynamics, concluded with a joint press conference where Trump nodded approvingly as Xi detailed his unalterable timeline for regional domination. Diplomatic observers noted that while the United States appears vastly diminished on the global stage, the immediate catering at the Great Hall of the People was, according to multiple on-the-record statements from the commander-in-chief, spectacular.