Following 246 reported cases, global health officials expressed profound relief that the deadly hemorrhagic fever continues to respect the borders of nations the Global North does not think about. Authorities praised the pathogen's steadfast commitment to avoiding major European transit hubs.
BENI, DR Congo — The ceiling fan in the regional health ministry outpost clicked rhythmically against its housing on Tuesday, doing little to move the heavy equatorial air or the stack of identical casualty reports resting on a chipped formica desk.
Following the deaths of 65 people and 246 total reported infections in the nation's eastern provinces, international public health officials issued a statement expressing their profound gratitude to the Ebola virus for once again demonstrating the geographic courtesy to stay exactly where the West expects it to.
While noting the severe toll on the local population, coordination teams in Geneva commended the pathogen’s ongoing commitment to remaining a strictly localized administrative burden rather than a global macroeconomic event.
It is always a devastating loss of life, but we must acknowledge the disease's absolute compliance with our unspoken mandate that it not board any commercial flights to Paris or London,
Outside the clinic, a vendor quietly arranged bruised mangoes on a blue plastic tarp, ignoring the white utility vehicles idling in the mud. Inside, international administrators diligently filed the 246 cases into a central database specifically designed to trigger sympathetic press releases instead of emergency funding, while pharmaceutical executives monitored the situation to ensure the outbreak didn't accidentally spread to a demographic capable of paying retail price for a vaccine.