A sweeping new study published in Nature has finally mapped the precise volumetric fluid intake required to sustain baseline human consciousness. The findings suggest that pouring tap water into the face at regular intervals can reverse a debilitating neuro-cognitive slump researchers are calling "being parched."
The discovery, detailed by a research team at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, upends decades of guesswork regarding how to keep the central nervous system from desiccating into a brittle husk. By utilizing a novel cup-to-mouth delivery vector, test subjects who ingested clear, unflavored H2O demonstrated a statistically significant reduction in complaining about their heads hurting.
We observed a staggering spike in cognitive processing speed just moments after subjects applied ambient-temperature liquids to their dry oral cavities.
Functional MRI scans revealed that the optimal daily water dosage required to maintain mental acuity is highly individualized, generally correlating to the exact volume needed to stop a subject's tongue from feeling like a strip of coarse sandpaper. Watching the scans in real time, the team observed with genuine awe how a standard 8-ounce glass of tap water effectively lubricated the prefrontal cortex, allowing subjects to remember their own passwords and stop staring blankly at a wall.
However, independent researchers caution against adopting the radical hydration protocol too hastily. Dr. Henrik Fogel, a cellular biologist at the Karolinska Institute not affiliated with the paper, noted severe limitations in the sample size. "While the preliminary data on drinking water when you feel like you need water is promising, we have yet to see a robust, double-blind replication," Fogel explained, adding that the scientific community still lacks longitudinal data on what happens if a subject drinks juice instead.
At press time, the MIT team had already submitted a follow-up grant proposal, outlining a clinical trial to determine whether wrapping the human torso in a woven textile might yield similar neurological benefits in the emerging field of being slightly cold.