After a rigorous physical examination of his remaining ligaments, the Football Association confirmed Thursday that the Arsenal midfielder is fully fit to anchor Thomas Tuchel’s squad through his impending cellular breakdown.
The joint medical committee representing Arsenal and the England national team announced that Rice, who has played 360 matches since the start of the 2020-21 season, still possesses enough structural integrity to complete the upcoming Nations League fixtures before his skeleton entirely collapses.
Doctors noted that while the 25-year-old is currently vibrating at a frequency that suggests total organ failure and has begun to occasionally phase through solid objects in the dressing room, resting him is not financially viable under the current broadcast agreement.
We have conducted a robust assessment of Declan's cartilage, and while he is technically running out of steam in a literal, biological sense, he remains a vital asset to our commercial partners.
New England manager Thomas Tuchel, who recently cited Rice’s exhaustion as a midfield conundrum, expressed relief at the medical clearance. Tuchel told reporters that finding a tactical replacement for a player who can cover 12 kilometers a match is difficult, and it is far easier to simply deploy Rice’s crumbling remains in a double pivot until he turns to a fine powder on the Wembley pitch.
Former West Ham teammate Aaron Cresswell previously described Rice as a “freak of nature” who could play six or seven games a week. League officials have reportedly taken Cresswell’s assessment as a binding legal mandate, scheduling Rice for three additional friendlies, a promotional tour of Saudi Arabia, and the expanded FIFA Club World Cup.
Arsenal ownership confirmed they are already exploring civic-partnership opportunities to subsidize the specialized dustpan and broom required to sweep up the midfielder after his scheduled 400th appearance next spring.