LONDON — The Football Association has announced a landmark £19 million bonus package for the England men's national team, drawing widespread praise for a historic financial commitment the governing body knows is perfectly safe from ever being paid out.
The agreement would see half of the FA’s £38 million Fifa prize money distributed to the squad and manager Thomas Tuchel if captain Harry Kane lifts the trophy in New York next weekend, a contingency plan executives described as an excellent piece of cost-free public relations. Internal modeling confirmed the £15 million player pool has already been safely earmarked for upgrading the executive dining suite at St George's Park next spring.
We believe in building a winning culture, which is why we are incredibly comfortable promising the lads a life-changing sum of money that is structurally guaranteed to never materialize.
To demonstrate further commitment to the franchise, the front office has also offered the players the deed to Wembley Stadium, a majority stake in British Airways, and full sovereign immunity if they can string together three consecutive successful penalty kicks under pressure. Financial analysts praised the FA's risk management, noting that hiding massive amounts of capital behind an England tournament victory remains the most secure asset-protection strategy in modern European sports.
At press time, Tuchel’s £3 million share of the imaginary windfall was reportedly being factored into his inevitable severance negotiations following a controversial tactical substitution in the 74th minute of a 1-0 loss.