FIFA President Gianni Infantino announced Tuesday that any individual expressing logistical or ethical concerns regarding the 2026 World Cup is suffering from a profound spiritual illness that can only be cured through intensive meditation.
Speaking from the governing body's headquarters, Infantino confirmed that questioning the mechanics of an expanded tournament spread across three North American countries is a direct manifestation of a heart consumed by hate. The executive formally prescribed a regimen of deep reflection to help detractors overcome their demonic urge to ask about municipal stadium subsidies, human rights records, or cross-continental travel costs.
The sheer malice required to ask how a family is supposed to afford flights between group stage matches in Monterrey, Los Angeles, and Vancouver is a rot on the human soul.
Infantino presented a tiered recovery plan for the spiritually broken, urging critics to reflect, pray, or simply watch a football match until they achieve a state of divine acceptance regarding the tournament's unprecedented corporate footprint. He noted that the front office considers purchasing a premium hospitality package at MetLife Stadium to be a recognized form of penance for those who have strayed from the path of unconditional franchise loyalty.
The global governing body is expected to finalize its expanded broadcast rights agreements next month, provided the television networks can first demonstrate ideological purity and a clean aura.