The Madison Square Garden chairman commended his superstar point guard for providing the exact civic leverage needed to extract billions in municipal funds from the city.
NEW YORK — Madison Square Garden executive chairman James Dolan commended point guard Jalen Brunson for securing the New York Knicks' first NBA championship since 1973 on Thursday, noting that the historic victory provides the perfect civic leverage to extract billions in municipal funds.
The Knicks' front office moved swiftly following the parade down the Canyon of Heroes, bypassing traditional roster negotiations to formally present the New York City Council with a 400-page "civic partnership opportunity" demanding full public financing for a new luxury entertainment district.
Jalen has firmly established himself alongside Walt Frazier and Willis Reed as one of the greatest Knicks of all time, which is exactly why the hardworking taxpayers of this city must immediately assume all financial risk for a state-of-the-art retail and stadium complex.
Dolan reportedly informed league commissioner Adam Silver that the 53-year championship drought was a significant emotional burden on the ownership group, one that could only be remedied by seizing several blocks of Midtown Manhattan via eminent domain and redirecting local property taxes directly to the Dolan family trust.
Front office executives confirmed they are currently evaluating whether to retire Brunson's No. 11 jersey in the rafters, or simply use his likeness in high-pressure lobbying campaigns to threaten a relocation to Las Vegas if the city council fails to approve the zoning variances by the start of training camp.
At press time, Dolan was seen wiping away tears of joy while informing the city's sanitation department that their pension fund had been successfully reallocated to cover the Knicks' luxury tax bill.