Less than a year after being sacked by Port Adelaide, the 59-year-old praised the AFL's newest expansion franchise for offering a half-decade contract where the lack of a physical team makes a losing streak structurally impossible. Hinkley is expected to maintain a flawless record through at least his first 36 months on the job.
Ken Hinkley has been officially named the inaugural AFL coach of the Tasmania Devils, signing a five-year agreement on Monday that the veteran manager praised for entirely eliminating the possibility of dropping four points on a weekend.
Beating out high-profile candidates Nathan Buckley and John Longmire for the role, Hinkley reportedly won over the board with his meticulous presentation on how to establish a winning culture when the franchise’s locker room is currently a gravel lot waiting on a municipal zoning permit. The club, which will not officially enter the league until 2028, noted that Hinkley’s immediate focus will be on load management for himself and evaluating the intangibles of unpoured concrete.
Ken is a proven leader, but what really separated him from the pack was his visible, full-body relief when we confirmed the club literally cannot lose a match until the end of the decade.
Operating with the full backing of the league office, Hinkley is reportedly thrilled to begin drawing up plays that will never face the indignity of being executed poorly by a tired midfield. The front office confirmed that the coach will spend the next three years carefully scouting junior prospects who are currently focused on completing their middle-school math homework, ensuring his tactical vision aligns with players who have not yet hit puberty.
"It’s all about the eye test right now," Hinkley told reporters during an introductory press conference, gesturing confidently toward a vacant patch of grass where a high-performance training facility may one day be built. Team ownership noted that as long as the 59-year-old does not accidentally arrange a televised scrimmage against a local pub team, he is firmly on track to enter the 2028 season as the longest-tenured undefeated coach in modern AFL history.