Commissioner Rob Manfred announced Tuesday that Major League Baseball will restrict dugout iPad usage, officially ending the tablets' brief but mathematically flawless tenure as the strategic brain trust of the New York Mets.
The league office issued the memo ahead of the regular season to prevent franchises from running artificial intelligence to dictate in-game decisions. Former reliever Adam Ottavino confirmed the crackdown was prompted by the Mets, whose dugout tablets had reportedly begun making pitching changes with a cold, calculating efficiency that threatened the historical fabric of the sport.
Baseball is a game of intangibles, and you simply cannot program an algorithm to leave a gassed setup man out to dry just because he looked the manager in the eye.
League officials grew concerned during spring training when the Mets' primary dugout iPad began overriding the coaching staff, correctly identifying high-leverage situations, and refusing to call for a sacrifice bunt under any circumstances. While the front office was reportedly thrilled by the sudden lack of avoidable late-inning disasters, traditionalists argued the technology fundamentally removed the fan experience of screaming at a manager's indefensible gut feelings.
The final straw for the commissioner's office arrived last week when the software not only optimized the bullpen rotation, but autonomously generated a $600 million stadium subsidy demand, threatening to bypass ownership entirely by presenting the civic-partnership opportunity directly to the Queens borough president.
With the devices now locked down to strictly review video, a frustrated Mets coaching staff spent the late innings of Tuesday's game quietly asking Siri whether they should intentionally walk Bryce Harper, only to be shown the weather in Philadelphia.