Major League Baseball announced Thursday that pitchers will now be granted a 15-second exemption to the pitch clock specifically reserved for staring at the dirt and slowly shaking their heads in profound disappointment.
The rule change, which goes into effect immediately across all thirty ballparks, addresses growing complaints from the players' union that the 15-second timer was preventing starters from adequately processing their own failures. According to a memo issued by MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, umpires are now instructed to pause the clock whenever a pitcher hangs a slider over the middle of the plate, allows a crushing three-run homer, and subsequently needs a moment to untuck his jersey while quietly mouthing a profanity toward the outfield grass.
The pitch clock was implemented to improve the pace of play, but we realized we were inadvertently rushing the vital process of a grown man contemplating his own athletic mortality.
League officials clarified that the new exemption is strictly enforced and cannot be used for competitive advantage. If an umpire determines that a pitcher is using the extra time to catch his breath or strategize with his catcher, rather than maintaining a hollow, thousand-yard stare into the middle distance, an automatic ball will be assessed. Video review umpires in New York have been authorized to evaluate whether a pitcher's shoulders are sufficiently slumped to qualify for the stoppage.
The union is reportedly pleased with the compromise, noting it pairs well with a new directive granting batters an eight-second grace period to stand completely frozen in the box and slowly exhale after striking out looking.