Following a Dominican judge's ruling that Wander Franco is criminally responsible but will not serve jail time, league officials have begun the arduous process of calculating the precise spreadsheet value of the verdict.
NEW YORK — Following a Dominican judge's ruling that Wander Franco is criminally responsible for the sexual abuse of a minor but will not serve a prison sentence, Major League Baseball announced it has begun the arduous process of calculating exactly how many regular-season games the conviction translates to under the current collective bargaining agreement.
The Office of the Commissioner reportedly spent Tuesday morning cross-referencing the Dominican penal code with Appendix F of the league's Joint Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault and Child Abuse Policy to determine if a non-custodial sentence for sexual abuse carries the same roster penalty as an eighty-game suspension for a banned diuretic, or if it falls closer to the standard hundred-game ban for applying sticky stuff to a baseball.
While the league condemns this behavior in the strongest possible terms, we are relieved the Dominican courts have kept this matter out of a physical prison, allowing us to seamlessly convert a major criminal conviction into a standard late-summer PR hurdle.
The Tampa Bay Rays, who signed the shortstop to an 11-year, $182 million extension in 2021, issued a brief statement acknowledging the legal verdict while quietly instructing their front office to update the middle-infield depth chart to reflect a potential late-August return. Team executives confirmed that while the situation remains a deeply tragic distraction, the lack of active jail time means Franco's salary will eventually count against the competitive balance tax, forcing them to make immediate payroll adjustments.
Meanwhile, the Major League Baseball Players Association is reportedly preparing a preemptive grievance to ensure Franco's rights are protected. Union representatives are expected to argue that since the shortstop is technically free to cross international borders, any unpaid suspension exceeding half a season would set a dangerous precedent for future players convicted of serious felonies who manage to avoid incarceration.
At press time, league disciplinarians were debating whether a 60-game suspension and a mandatory four-hour Zoom seminar on community values would be enough to permanently resolve the matter before the start of the postseason.