The PGA Tour has handed down a three-tournament suspension to the Pacific Ocean, citing conduct detrimental to the game after the 63.8-million-square-mile body of water aggressively played through the 14th hole without warning.
The incident occurred shortly before noon on Thursday when the ocean, which did not have a registered tee time, bypassed the starter and surged over the coastal sea wall. League officials stated the ocean exhibited a blatant disregard for standard pace-of-play etiquette by failing to yell "fore" before submerging the fairway in four feet of saltwater, abruptly scattering the group ahead and carrying a Rolex hospitality suite into the Monterey kelp beds.
We understand that the ocean brings a lot of intangibles to the broadcast, but when an entity of that size decides to unilaterally alter the routing of a signature hole, it crosses a line.
The league office confirmed that the suspension is effective immediately, barring the ocean from all tournament grounds, practice facilities, and official pro-ams through the end of the month. The ocean will also forfeit any FedExCup points earned during the West Coast swing and has been formally mandated to complete an interpersonal boundaries seminar before applying for reinstatement to the active roster.
Reached for comment, representatives for the ocean declined to issue an apology, instead continuing to rhythmically batter the retaining wall below the 18th green. While Tour commissioner Jay Monahan considers the disciplinary matter closed, industry analysts note that the Saudi Public Investment Fund is already preparing a nine-figure guarantee to lure the ocean to the LIV Golf schedule.