Gregor Hiddleston and Seb Stephen have been named to the 36-man summer squad to provide fresh, undamaged cartilage against the Springboks and Fiji.
EDINBURGH, Scotland — In a strategic move to preserve the long-term skeletal integrity of its veteran front row, Scottish Rugby announced Tuesday that uncapped hookers Gregor Hiddleston and Seb Stephen have been added to the 36-man summer squad as dedicated impact-absorption units for the upcoming matches against Argentina, Fiji, and South Africa.
The two rookies, who have yet to make an international appearance, were reportedly selected for their dense, previously un-fractured rib cages. Team officials confirmed the duo will be deployed primarily in the second half of the South Africa test, where they will be tasked with standing directly in the path of 260-pound Springbok forwards moving at terminal velocity.
We are always looking to integrate young talent into the system, specifically by placing them between our starting pack and the blunt-force trauma of the Fijian defensive line.
MacPherson noted that touring the Southern Hemisphere requires a deep reserve of expendable organic material just to fulfill the sport's minimum requirement of fifteen conscious men on the pitch. The organization's medical analytics division reportedly concluded that exposing veteran starters to the entire summer schedule would result in an unacceptable depreciation of the union's primary assets.
Hiddleston and Stephen will join the rest of the squad at training camp next week to begin practicing how to be legally folded in half during a collapsed scrum. The team departs for the summer tour on Tuesday, with medical staff confirming the cargo manifest includes an additional shipping container of industrial ice packs and neck braces.