Following a week of lethal, triple-digit temperatures across the Eastern Seaboard, consumer appliance manufacturer Ninja has been lauded for keeping a local resident from vaporizing on the sidewalk.
During a brutal five-day heat dome that rendered New York City sidewalks permanently hostile to carbon-based life, local tech reviewer Greg Farnum survived only by sheltering in his kitchen with the new Ninja Slushi Twist. Rather than attempt the unsurvivable 400-yard migration to a neighborhood 7-Eleven for a Slurpee, Farnum deployed the $299 countertop appliance to systematically lower his internal temperature with a continuous stream of cherry syrup.
According to engineers at the appliance company, the machine’s redesigned cooling stack was rigorously tested against both backyard barbecues and the accelerating collapse of the Earth's biosphere.
We initially engineered this product to deliver frozen margaritas at scale, but it turns out the exact same compressor tech is required to keep a Brooklyn resident from melting into a puddle of biomatter.
Farnum noted in his review that the Slushi Twist's "fill and chill" mechanism proved far more reliable than the city's straining power grid, allowing him to dogfood a survival mixture of tap water and Mountain Dew while emergency medical sirens wailed outside his window. The review praised the machine's five distinct density settings, highlighting the "frappé" mode as the exact consistency needed to pack an emergency cooler for a dying houseplant.
As the heat dome finally began to recede on Monday morning, Farnum reportedly washed the machine’s auger in the sink before evaluating whether a new smart-toaster could adequately protect him from the incoming flash floods.