Apple announced Tuesday that its next-generation iPhone will feature continuous monitoring of the inescapable human void, provided users purchase a new external adapter. The proprietary peripheral will allow the device’s internal sensors to accurately capture and quantify a user's sudden crises of meaning.
While the upcoming iPhone’s front-facing camera array is capable of detecting the micro-expressions associated with the realization that one’s life is a finite and repetitive loop, Apple engineers confirmed that processing the sheer volume of that despair at scale requires dedicated external compute. The resulting accessory, a three-inch white cable terminating in a bespoke processing block, will plug directly into the device to bridge the gap between the iPhone's ambient dread sensors and the human soul.
We realized early in the roadmap that rendering the infinite abyss entirely on-device was causing thermal throttling and severe battery drain.
According to the developer documentation, users who experience a sudden, paralyzing wave of dread while commuting or standing in a grocery aisle will need to ensure the dongle is firmly seated before the episode passes. Early testers reported that the cord is prone to fraying if a user contemplates their own mortality while carrying the phone in a tight pocket, and replacing a lost adapter requires a Genius Bar appointment to pair the new hardware to the user’s specific psychological profile.
The company added that the base model dongle will only sync standard daily malaise to Apple Health, noting that an $89 Pro variant will be required to process the crushing dread of aging.