Praising the writer's willingness to endure months of extreme physical hardship, a local father of two confirmed Tuesday that he has successfully completed the Appalachian Trail by outsourcing the entire 2,190-mile journey to nature author Robert Moor.
PORTLAND, OR — Praising the writer's willingness to endure months of extreme physical hardship, a local father of two confirmed Tuesday that he has successfully completed the Appalachian Trail by outsourcing the entire 2,190-mile journey to nature author Robert Moor.
David Hollenbeck, 41, who suffers from a rapidly deteriorating lumbar spine and the relentless, energy-sapping demands of raising two toddlers, told reporters that Moor's book On Trails: An Exploration served as a highly efficient logistical workaround for his total inability to strap on a heavy pack. By deploying Moor as a dedicated proxy, Hollenbeck successfully navigated treacherous eastern seaboard mountain passes, endured severe Appalachian weather systems, and crossed dozens of swollen rivers, all at a comfortable pace of roughly fifteen pages per night before losing consciousness.
Turning off the screens and stepping out into nature for several days is incredibly rejuvenating, provided the person doing the stepping is a published author located far away from your living room.
Hollenbeck noted that he originally purchased the book expecting a standard, grueling memoir of outdoor suffering that he could comfortably observe from the safety of his climate-controlled home. However, he was deeply relieved to discover that the narrative offered so much more, weaving in extensive scientific research and historical context about the fundamental nature of paths. This robust academic framework, Hollenbeck explained, provided him with the dual benefit of feeling intellectually enriched about the natural world while strictly maintaining a zero-contact policy with actual mud, insects, or unpaved terrain.
Orthopedic specialists have overwhelmingly endorsed Hollenbeck's vicarious expedition, noting that aggressively reading about Moor's physical deterioration over a six-month trek produced absolutely no risk of tick-borne illnesses and required zero consumption of dehydrated camp rations. Furthermore, the literary format allowed Hollenbeck to immediately pause the unforgiving wilderness whenever his four-year-old demanded a juice box. At press time, Hollenbeck was reportedly preparing to scale the perilous summit of Mount Everest by turning on a high-definition documentary and reclining his chair an additional twelve degrees.