With prices hitting a four-decade high, the wholesale food distributor warned consumers that slicing into the prized nightshades constitutes a reckless destruction of household wealth.
NEW YORK—Following reports that average retail prices for tomatoes have surged to a staggering $2.69 per pound, wholesale food distributor Baldor announced Tuesday that the produce is no longer meant for human consumption, advising Americans to treat the items as heirloom centerpieces to be passed down through generations.
The recent price spike, which has elevated the humble salad ingredient into a speculative asset class alongside gold and commercial real estate, is being driven by a complex web of tariffs, supply chain bottlenecks, and systemic inflation. Industry experts have praised the current macroeconomic conditions for successfully restricting the tomato supply to only those with vast, liquid capital.
We are urging restaurants and home cooks alike to stop destroying these incredibly valuable objects by putting them in sandwiches. When you consider the intricate political economy and the cross-border trade negotiations required to secure fresh produce today, eating it just seems vulgar.
Krempel added that cauliflower and lettuce are currently undergoing similar transitions from food to exclusive status symbols, with heads of iceberg now requiring a minimum credit score of 740 to legally observe in the grocery aisle.
To help the hospitality industry navigate the historic price fluctuations, Baldor has introduced a short-term leasing program for high-end restaurants. Under the new model, establishments can rent a single, pristine heirloom tomato for the evening, allowing affluent diners to gaze upon it from a safe distance before it is returned to a climate-controlled vault at the end of service.
The distributor also teased an influx of novel new tomato varieties arriving next quarter, which will be kept indefinitely in armored trucks and traded purely on paper.