Heralding a major breakthrough in modern sleep hygiene, consumer wellness brand Dreamie announced Wednesday that its new smart alarm clock has finally freed users from their smartphones by streaming the exact same content through a dedicated bedside computer.
SAN FRANCISCO—Boasting a minimalist fabric exterior and a soft-glow digital display, the new $130 Dreamie alarm clock has garnered rave reviews from tech-fatigued consumers who are desperate to stop looking at their iPhones in bed. Instead of lying awake gripping a glass rectangle, Dreamie users can now achieve inner peace by lying awake staring at the ceiling while a morally superior beige cube streams four consecutive hours of true-crime audio directly into their ear canals.
According to the company’s marketing materials, the laughably simple innovation that sets Dreamie apart from traditional alarm clocks is its native podcast integration. This single feature allows users to fully disconnect from the digital world by syncing their Spotify accounts to a secondary, stationary node of the digital world. The transition reportedly eliminates the blue light exposure previously associated with falling asleep to deep-dive interviews about the 1997 East Coast hip-hop rivalry.
True sleep hygiene requires completely unplugging from the toxic smartphone ecosystem and plugging into a bespoke hardware ecosystem that automatically downloads the SmartLess podcast over dual-band Wi-Fi.
Early adopters have praised the device’s ability to foster a zen-like bedroom environment. Many users report feeling a profound sense of analog purity as they are gently lulled to sleep by dynamic mid-roll advertisements for online therapy, which now emanate from a matte-finish speaker rather than their phone’s built-in audio output.
At press time, Dreamie was reportedly expanding its digital detox line with a $250 bedside wellness screen designed exclusively to display TikToks in a calming sepia tone.