Asserting his authority over the nation’s telecommunications infrastructure, Federal Communications Commission Chairman Brendan Carr announced Tuesday that televised jokes about the president will now be regulated as hostile signal jamming. The new framework allows the agency to immediately revoke the broadcast licenses of networks found transmitting unauthorized comedic frequencies.
Under the updated Title II guidelines, a late-night punchline directed at the executive branch is now legally indistinguishable from a pirate radio station drowning out air traffic control. Carr issued formal notices to NBC, CBS, and ABC, warning executives that any future attempts to broadcast humorous observations regarding the president’s appearance, cabinet appointments, or golf scores will be treated as malicious attacks on the public airwaves. Broadcasters were given 48 hours to install federal signal scrubbers designed to automatically bleep unapproved satire.
We are seeing a dangerous spike in unregulated sarcasm polluting the VHF and UHF spectrums, which severely threatens the structural integrity of the president's mood.
To enforce the mandate, the commission has begun deploying specialized spectrum analyzers outside studios in Manhattan and Burbank to detect anomalous comedic waveforms during the 11:30 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. broadcast window. According to technical documentation released by the agency, a standard monologue setup—consisting of a host, a desk, and a photograph of the president projected over their right shoulder—now requires the same federal clearances as operating a commercial nuclear reactor.
Carr concluded his press briefing by clarifying that while verbal jokes are currently classified as Class 3 interference, unauthorized physical impressions involving accordion-style hand gestures will be federally prosecuted as domestic wire fraud.